


drowning in cold water

by signofthetmies



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Chaptered, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, How Do I Tag, Jealous Harry, Jealous Louis, Louis Smokes, M/M, Mutual Pining, Original Character(s), Post-Break Up, Sad with a Happy Ending, Why Did I Write This?, but only for my sanity, exes to friends to lovers, it’s not like super long per chapter, louis curses a lot, oh also side ziam only, the rest of the boys aren’t mentioned as much, this is centered on louis and harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:27:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23926144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/signofthetmies/pseuds/signofthetmies
Summary: “Yeah but, we were so young, Lou.” Harry exasperates.“Don’t call me ‘Lou’,” Louis rolls his eyes, “and whatever Harry, yeah we were young but you can’t pretend we weren’t willing to give up everything for each other.”‘Like we still do now’ goes unsaid but Harry swears he hears it.orHarry and Louis dated when they were twenty and twenty-two but broke up. Two years later, everything is unresolved, but everything they left remains the same.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 16
Kudos: 42





	1. We never talked about anything.

“Oh, shut it, Niall. He’s not here.” Louis says as he lights his cigarette, Harry hated it when he smoked, but so what? He’s not here, he hasn’t been for a long time.

“Not saying anything, mate.” Niall backs off, raises his glass to his mouth, “Pretty loud in here, innit?” Niall tries to make conversation, it’s been rough to make one ever since Harry left. Louis nods, puffs the smoke out, coughs a bit at his long drag.

Zayn playfully punches Louis’ shoulder, “Still smoke? Been a while mate, don’t you think?” He smirks. “Get off my back lads, you’re all starting to sound like him.” The atmosphere of this pub is depressing, or maybe just for Louis, no one really bothers to say anything.

“You saying I’m a nagger?” Harry. It’s Harry. Louis fucking knows it’s Harry. He’s stunned, frozen, can’t turn around. Louis throws the cigarette on the floor and steps on it, an old habit when he was still trying to quit smoking.

Louis gives off a small laugh, shakes his head, not believing Harry is behind him. Maybe he’s imagining things, maybe he really isn’t there. Louis hears small talk between the three lads. It can’t fucking be.

“Good to see you, after how long? Two? Two years? Three, perhaps?” Louis says, patting Harry’s shoulder. It’s the closest he can get to holding him again. Louis spares him another glance and notices the duffle bag he’s carrying. Great. Harry’s coming back.

“Maybe.” Harry teases, “I’m here now, aren’t I? Care to give me a spare key to _our_ flat?” Louis might lose it. He wishes someone would punch him and this would all turn out to be a bad dream. “It’s not our fucking flat anymore, Harry.” Louis grits his teeth and walks away, goes back to the bar, and drinks whatever the bartender has to offer. He can’t take this.

He goes back out and Harry doesn’t have the smug look on his face anymore, and now Louis feels bad that he probably made Harry feel bad. This is bullshit. “C’mon Niall, give me a place to crash, am I not your best mate?” Louis overhears Harry saying.

So it wasn’t teasing, Louis realises. He really does need a place to crash. He walks toward Zayn, “I’m gonna head home,” Louis faces them, “Thanks, lads. Have a goodnight.” He sees Harry and Niall turn to him, he turns around and waves a finger. Now waiting to call a cab, he wanted to get wasted with his best mates, not with his ex.

“Louis, wait!” Harry follows him, “Just the couch, just until I get my own place, please?” Louis scoffs, “Sorry lad, I redecorated, removed the couch.” Harry sighs, looking hopeless. “Seriously?” Louis gives him a half-smile, “No.” then starts walking away again.

“Louis, hey, c’mon.” Harry stops him and pulls his wrist. Louis turns around, “C’mon? _C’mon?_ After two years, you show up here and tease me as if nothing happened, like we didn’t live with each other for fuck’s sake, and that’s _all_ you’ve got to say? _C’mon?_ ”

Louis is fuming, this is not how he wanted to speak with his ex, he has imagined encountering Harry in his head numerous times, none of which went like this.

“Yeah but, we were so young, Lou.” Harry exasperates.

“Don’t call me ‘Lou’,” Louis rolls his eyes, “and whatever Harry, yeah we were young but you can’t pretend we weren’t willing to give up everything for each other.”

‘Like we still do now’ goes unsaid but Harry swears he hears it.

“Just a night.” Harry pleads. Louis takes a deep breath, rolls his eyes, and says, “Start walking.” He waves his hand at the cab, it stops on the side-walk, Louis spares another look at Niall and Zayn, they’re gonna be okay, he’s gonna give them shit tomorrow for not telling him Harry’s coming though. Louis gets in the cab with Harry. He spends 20 minutes thinking if he’s doing the right thing.

☾ ☾ ☾

Louis unlocks the door, Harry is looking around like a lost puppy, he has been here before countless times, Louis thinks, he doesn’t need to pretend.

Louis goes straight to the bedroom, he gets a spare pillow and a blanket and gives them to Harry. “Make yourself at home.” he says as sarcastic as possible, Harry just blinks at him and whispers a small “Thanks.”

Louis goes to his room and he’s starting to realise how much of an idiot he is for doing this. He dials Zayn, he doesn’t pick up, of course, he’s still at the pub with Niall. He hears a knock on the door, should he just pretend that he’s still asleep?

Louis opens the door slightly, he doesn’t want the image of 26 years old Harry in his bedroom, took him a long time to move on, he’s not gonna let this moment ruin that.

“What?” Louis asks, he only puts his head out. Harry tries to push the door open, “I have to take a shower, Lou.” He says quietly, and Louis hates how he feels bad, he hates how there isn’t a bathroom outside because neither of them thought they’d need one when they decided to move in together. He gives in, opening the door completely.

Louis hates a lot of things right now, but the thing he hates the most is that Harry isn’t one of them.

He goes to bed and tries his hardest to sleep, he can still hear the shower running but he convinces himself it’s just one of those many nights he imagines Harry coming back, except now it’s real, he does everything to push that thought back, he grips the blanket a little tighter. Tonight is not one of those nights he cries himself to sleep.

Louis doesn’t hear Harry get out of the shower, Louis doesn’t hear him mutter a small “Goodnight, Lou.” Louis doesn’t hear anything, he makes himself believe that this will all be over in the morning.

☾ ☾ ☾

He wakes up at the sound of pans clashing in his kitchen. “What the fuck.” Louis whispers, eyes still closed. He sits up and tries to wake himself up by grabbing his phone at the nightstand.

To: **Niall zz**

_wtf was last night ???_

To: **Zee**

_you owe me, big time_

Louis drops his phone on his unmade bed and takes a shower, if he cries, no one would know.

He wears the first hoodie in sight and goes out of his room, but not before taking at least four deep breaths, he doesn’t know how to face Harry and no one can blame him.

“Harry,” Louis sighs, runs his hand through his hair. Harry looks back at him, stabbing a piece of bacon and shoving it in his mouth. “What are you doing?” Louis has his hands on his hips. “I’m sorry, I just went through your fridge and got the first thing I saw-” Harry rambles and stands to get a plate for Louis.

“That’s not what I mean,” Louis approaches him and holds his wrist to stop him from making Louis breakfast, what even is happening? “We agreed you’d be gone by morning.” Louis drops his wrist once he knows Harry is now paying attention to him. “We never talked about how long I’m staying here, Lou.” Harry shrugs, as if it was nothing.

Louis walks back to the counter and steals the bacon that’s left on Harry’s plate, it’s his flat anyway. “Stop. You have to go, we agreed-” Harry stares at him and cuts him off by saying, “We never talked about anything.” Louis knows he means something else, but he’s tired and if, even after two years, fighting is all they’re gonna do, he’s gonna have to take a pass. “Harry, stop. I don’t want to have this conversation right now.” Louis gets up and walks away, he’s calm, he promises himself he’s okay. That is until he hears Harry whisper “or ever.” Louis turns back around and takes a good look at Harry, his hair is short and he’s way taller than he used to be, his arms are toned and he looks nothing and everything like the Harry that Louis fell in love with.

“Okay, fine. Let’s have this conversation right now.” Louis says, he’s trying so hard to be calm but it’s his anger building up from the two years that Harry never bothered to call, he’s here and all Louis wants to do is punch him or kiss him, or possibly both.

“You never gave me a chance to speak, Louis.” Harry says, still behind the kitchen counter, if he said he isn’t scared of where this conversation is going, that would be a lie. “I’m giving you one right now,” Louis crosses his arms. “Go on, speak.”

Harry swears he envisioned this happening when he took the first plane to London but now he feels like his mouth is dry and his tongue is tied.

☾ ☾ ☾

“What was I supposed to say, Li? Hey Lou, I’m still in love with you, I miss you and I want to fix things even if I didn’t talk to you for two years.” Harry says, desperate. After Louis kicked him out, he went straight to Zayn and Liam’s flat. He’s on the couch while Liam is struggling to clean his flat before Zayn comes home. “Liam, are you even listening to me?” Harry sighs and rubs his hands all over his face. He won’t cry, not here at least.

“Look,” Liam stops trying to vacuum the floor, it’s useless anyway. “If you really wanted that second chance with him, you shouldn’t have pushed him to his edge. We both know you can’t just waltz back into his life and pretend like everything is okay. He’s hurt, Harry. And you know Louis won’t bring his guard down that easily.” Liam sits down and tries to comfort Harry as much as he can. Minutes later, Liam rushes to the door when he nears the doorbell chime.

Zayn walks in and gives Liam a small peck on his temple, “Hey Harry, I expected you’d be here last night, didn’t know Louis would actually let you back in his flat.” Zayn teases, patting his shoulder. “Oh shut up, Z. Don’t get his hopes up.” Liam scolds him lightly, Zayn raises his hands in defense.

“Has he dated?” Harry asks, Zayn is Louis’ best mate, if anyone would know, it would be him. “Harry, don’t do that to yourself.” Liam sighs and looks at Zayn warily. Zayn walks around the couch and starts fixing the groceries Liam bought that was left on the counter, ignoring the question.

“Zayn, I wanna know.” Harry stands and puts his hands on the bag that Zayn is holding, no one seems to pay much attention to him ever since he came back. “Harry, I don’t think it’s something you have to know, okay?” Zayn looks at him so genuinely Harry can’t even get mad at him for it. “When- when I was in his flat… I didn’t notice anything new.” Harry says frustratedly and he hates how Zayn and Liam are looking at him so sadly, they know something he doesn’t and all he wants is to know if Louis is with someone else. “There weren’t any pictures of him with someone else or- or a second toothbrush or- I don’t know. Fuck. I can’t believe I lost him.” Harry covers his face with his hands and tries so hard not to break.

“H… I miss you mate, but maybe it wasn’t right for you to come back here yet.” Zayn approaches him and finally, Harry breaks and cries on his shoulder. “I didn’t allow myself to cry for so long, I drowned myself in work, and still wherever I went, he was always there.” Harry allows himself to break, allows himself to be seen to be vulnerable. “Everything reminded me of him and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t get myself to call him because he never called me too. I felt like he just wanted to be left alone and I did.”

Liam gives him a pillow and a spare blanket, “Just give yourself some time, mate. For now, sleep it off.” Liam gives him a hug and he debates on crying again but he’s had enough for now. He stays up all night restless and tries to think what he could do if he sees Louis with another. Sleep doesn’t come, of course.

There’s always tomorrow night, he thinks.


	2. "From Louis."

Louis can’t sleep, is the thing. He vividly remembers the same thing happening to him when Harry left and now it’s happening again. One night with Harry, that’s all it took for all these feelings and frustration to come back, and they didn’t even spend it together, they didn’t have sex, didn’t kiss, didn’t have one decent conversation, and he’s back to being the heartbroken sap that he is.

He doesn’t give much thought to it, it’s a good Saturday afternoon and he’s on his way to the coffee shop, Louis requested for a weekend shift after he missed his original one yesterday because of Harry’s very unexpected arrival. He meant to go to the bakery but instead had to argue with his ex-boyfriend over something he couldn’t even say. 

When Louis arrives in the coffee shop, he automatically says his apologies to Flor, his boss, for not informing her earlier. 

“Louis, darling, you’ve been working way past your hours for the past week.” Flor laughs, she’s the type of boss that seems more like a mother rather than someone you work for. “There’s nothing to apologize for.” She smiles at Louis and hands him the apron. 

Louis immediately ties it behind his back and makes his way to the bathroom. He just needs a little time to think about everything that’s been happening.

For a whole year, Louis refused to date anyone despite Niall, Liam, and Zayn always trying to set him up with a few people. All he did was work and drink with the lads. Of course there were a few people who would try to hit on him, but he couldn’t do it. 

So much times he tried flirting back but he couldn’t do it, he felt like he was cheating even when Harry was long gone. Louis felt sick to his stomach imagining his boy with other people. For so long, Louis kept himself away from everyone but after working so many hours at the coffee shop, he learned to open himself up to Mitch. In all honesty, he didn’t even know it was happening, they both worked the same shifts and Mitch was always there to comfort him or help him whenever Louis needed saving, Harry wasn’t. That was the difference.

Louis and Mitch even went out a few times, they never kissed or held hands, it was something Louis wasn’t ready for and maybe he liked Mitch a little bit more when he was being so understanding about it. He never forced Louis nor rushed him. So, here they are now. Problem is, Harry’s back. The love of his life is back, and he doesn’t exactly know if he wants him gone. Again.

Louis washes his hands way longer than he’s supposed to, he stares at himself at the mirror for a few seconds, hands on the sink. “I can do this.” He whispers to himself.

Louis walks out of the bathroom, fixing his hair a bit. “Hey, Lou! Missed you yesterday.” Jade, his co-worker, says. “You know I miss your cookies, too.” Louis winks jokingly, it’s not a lie though. Jade is in-charge of the pastries and Louis is usually on the counter. He cannot bake for shit, he’s better at taking orders and talking with the customers.

He sees Mitch working the register and immediately approaches, there weren’t much ordering customers at this hour. Louis bumps Mitch’s hip with his teasingly, “Stealing my job now?”

Mitch laughs, he’s a bit taller than Louis but not much. He has brown eyes and brown hair that’s always in a perfect quiff. “Didn’t see you yesterday, what’s up?” Mitch asks, his attention completely on Louis.

“Something just came up.” Louis says, suddenly serious. He doesn’t really want to tell anyone Harry’s back, he knows it’s not for good. 

Mitch takes the customers’ order and Louis goes to the chiller to grab the donut, wraps it in a bag, and hands it to Mitch.

Suddenly, the door opens and it’s Harry with Zayn. Zayn looks at him immediately and gives him a look that says ‘I-owe-you-one-and-I’m-sorry’. And trust me, if looks could kill, Zayn would be on the floor right now.

Louis sees Zayn pull Harry to the farthest table from the counter but it’s no use anyway because Harry’s already on his way to the counter to order before Zayn can even stop him.

Harry sees Mitch first, all while Louis is trying to hide near the kitchen where the pastries are made. 

“Harry. You’re Harry.” Mitch says, shocked. Of course Mitch knows who Harry is. Fuck.

Zayn coughs trying to cover it up, “What would you like, H? I’ll order.” 

“How do you know my name?” Harry says, skeptical. Zayn looks at Mitch and shakes his head where Harry can’t see but it’s too late.

“From Louis.” Mitch says, a bit angry. Remembering everything Louis told him about Harry and their relationship. He looks down at the computer and remembers he’s still working.

“How the fuck do you know Louis?” Harry says angrily, he doesn’t even notice when Louis finally comes out of his hiding spot, he only notices when Louis holds Mitch’s wrist and pulls him away. Jade suddenly rushes to the counter.

☾ ☾ ☾

After that incident, they all went to Zayn’s flat to talk. Louis talked to Flor and told her his apologies again and Flor just waved him off and told him to go and just take another shift when he can. 

Louis didn’t even get a chance to explain to Mitch but he swears his thigh is feeling a bit numb from the ringing of his phone.

One thing at a time.

The walk to Zayn’s flat was torture, Louis was fuming from the scene that Harry almost caused and he hates that Harry has the nerve to be jealous. He’s walking a few steps ahead from Zayn and Harry because they keep arguing, Harry is forcing it out of Zayn to say who Mitch is, but Louis knows Zayn won’t budge. That’s why Zayn’s his best mate.

But they’re here now and it’s even more awkward than it was. Zayn is in the bathroom and now Harry and Louis are both angry and silent, the two things that you should never put together.

“How long have you been together?” Harry asks calmly, too calmly it’s actually scary. He doesn’t look at Louis nor even glances when he speaks. He keeps his eyes trained down on his clasped hands in front of him.

“What’s it to you, mate?” Louis says, crossing his arms, he hates that he cares about Harry. But what can he do? Louis was in love with him for as long as he can remember.

Louis knows he and Mitch aren’t actually a thing. He just wants to gauge Harry’s reaction, Louis knows it’s bad, he shouldn’t be lying about it but, he didn’t. Louis never said anything about them being in a relationship, it’s Harry who assumed that.

Louis plans to keep this up, plans to keep his pride up, plans to give Harry the silent treatment until he leaves again.

That is, until he hears Harry cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update soon hehe


	3. Do the talking first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hii sorry i had a decline in motivation and i don’t think anyone is even waiting but here’s an update loves

When you start to love someone, you’re never really ready to hear them say goodbye. When you fall in love with someone, the thought of them leaving never really occurs in your head because all you can think of is that you’re happy. But of course, no relationship ever stays the same, and no relationship is ever perfect. Louis and Harry’s were not an exception.

_Harry gets up and runs his hands through his hair, frustrated. Louis isn’t any better he remains seated on the couch, trying hard not to say more things he knows he’ll regret._

_Harry goes straight to the kitchen and makes tea. He remembers the first time he met Louis and told him that the weirdest thing about him is that tea calms him down, whether he’s stressed, scared, or angry. Ever since Harry knew that, he would always make tea whenever they would fight. Louis would accept it quietly, hug him, and talk._

_Both of them didn’t even know why they were fighting anymore, it’s the kind of argument that starts with one thing and ends with a thousand other things. Things haven’t been so good with both of them and they didn’t know what to do, so they fought. Every single chance they could get._

_“Hey baby…” Harry says carefully, he’s tired and he doesn’t want to fight anymore. He puts the cup of tea in front of Louis and sits beside him, carefully eyeing Louis._

_Louis stares at the tea. It’s not the same anymore. He stands up hurriedly to their bedroom and can’t help the tears rushing down his face._

_That was the moment that they both realised: They can’t fix this anymore._

_Harry ends up sleeping on the couch that night._

When you fall out of love, it hurts to be with them, kiss them, hug them, and know that you’re here, but your mind is already out the door.

After that fight, everything and nothing changed. 

_They stopped sleeping in the same bed, Louis always took the couch. He felt like everything was his fault so he couldn’t get himself to even look at the bed. Their bed, our Harry’s now._

_The next morning, Louis wakes up alone. The flat is empty and rummaged through. Harry’s things are gone, Harry left._

_Louis stands by the door frame of their, his, bedroom, looking through the closet with this side full, Harry’s side empty. Louis closes the bedroom door gently, heads to the couch, and finally lets himself cry._

☾ back to present time

Louis sits still on the couch, he hasn’t heard Harry cry for a long time, he was never prepared for it. He can’t help himself, he stands and sits beside Harry and puts his arms around him and fuck, he’s never been _this_ hurt before. He never wanted to take away Harry’s pain more than now, this moment.

“Lou,” Harry whispers, eyes brimming with tears. Louis looks away, he can’t stand Harry looking like this, but only hugs him tighter. Harry grabs Louis’ shirt in his hands and leans into him, his head on Louis’ neck. “I fucked up.” Harry breathes. 

“I’m sorry I left.” Harry looks at Louis in the eye but Louis looks down at his lap, unable to look at Harry while he’s crying, he can only take so much. Louis doesn’t respond, how do you learn to heal when all you’ve done is bleed?

“I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t.” Harry continues, holding Louis’ wrists as if it was the last time that he would, and maybe it is. 

“I woke up alone, I reached to your side of the bed thinking you would _finally_ come in, thinking you’d be there beside me, I realised things haven’t been working for us for months and neither of us dared to say it. Neither of us tried to talk about it, and I’m sorry I got up and left. I’m so sorry. I didn’t think it through, I was scared to go back because I was doing shit, Lou. I was scared to go back because I didn’t want to see you doing better than me and knowing that maybe I was the one holding you back from being happy, from being okay. I was scared Lou and I’m sorry.” Harry hiccups, still looking at Louis straight in the eye despite his tears continually falling. 

Louis pulls away and Harry lets him. He stands and looks at Harry, “Did you ever realise that you weren’t the only one who was hurting?”

Harry watched Louis leave Zayn’s flat and he understood how it felt like. He understood how it felt like to let someone in past your walls, to be completely open to someone, to be vulnerable and tell them the things you don’t even admit to yourself and watch them leave afterward. That’s what he did with Louis, and now it’s happening to him.

Zayn walks out a few minutes after Louis left, Harry knows he heard everything. They don’t talk about it.

☾ ☾ ☾

Louis’ back in the coffee shop after apologizing to Mitch and Flor. Louis doesn’t let it get to him though. Okay, maybe he does.

Louis calls Harry after his shift.

Yeah, he definitely does.

They’re gonna meet in Louis’ flat and he’s panicking. Louis takes a quick shower and he debates on whether he’s supposed to cook or order something in. Before he can even do anything Harry arrives, he walks to the door and opens it for Harry to come in.

“Hey,” Harry says quietly, he doesn’t want to fuck this up, he has a feeling this is the last time Louis is ever going to let him speak.

“I’m sorry I ran out.” Louis says and lets out a breath. Harry almost laughs at the irony, Harry was the one that ran out, not him. Harry sits on the couch while Louis stays near the kitchen counter, his back to it, arms crossed.

Harry takes a long look at him, as if it’s the last time that he ever will, his tattoos, his hair, his hands. He’s staring so intently he doesn’t even realize that Louis is staring back. Harry stands and walks to him, and Louis looks a bit alarmed he stands straight almost immediately.

If Harry is right, if this is the last time he’s going to see Louis and be with him alone without them screaming at each other, then he has to make the most out of it.

Harry puts his hand on Louis’ waist, the other on the back of his nape, and kisses him so feverishly. Surprisingly, Louis allows him to, he kisses back with just as much passion, if not more. “Lou…” Harry whispers, pulling away just a little, their foreheads touching. “Don’t say it.” Louis replies, putting his hand on Harry’s bicep, pulling him closer, and kissing him again.

Harry doesn’t push him away either. Instead, he drags his hands down Louis’ sides until his thighs and lifts him up on the kitchen counter. Louis squeaks in surprise but spreads his legs to make space for Harry to go in between. Harry, of course, obliges.

Harry starts kissing down Louis’ neck but Louis holds his wrists and stops him in his movements. “Harry, wait.” Louis slowly removes Harry’s hands on his waist.

Harry closes his eyes, “Please don’t say this is a mistake.”

Louis sucks in a sharp breath, still seated on the counter but seeming so far away. “Look at me.” He says softly, caressing Harry’s cheek so lightly that Harry thinks he’s imagining it. He slowly opens his eyes, but he isn’t ready to hear whatever Louis has to say.

“We shouldn’t have done that,” Louis coughs, and there it is, the words Harry never wanted to hear.

“without talking first.” Louis continues, eyeing Harry carefully as if gauging his reaction. “What?” Harry says, scrunching his nose a bit.


	4. Nobody needs to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feeling kinda motivated today (: please leave a comment / kudos if u want hehe

“I’m sorry, I don’t know. I had this whole thing,” Louis waves his hands around, “in my head and I saw you looking at me the same way you did before and I lost it.” He admits almost guiltily, Harry tries to bite back his smile but fails. Louis smacks his arm, “Oi, stop being so smug.”

Harry shakes his head, “Okay, talk.” They both sit on both ends of the couch, far from each other. “We should work this out.” Louis starts, his hands all over the place because he can’t keep his calm and his sanity at the same time.

“Yes, yes, okay. I’d love that.” Harry says, very enthusiastic, nodding his head multiple times. “No Harry… I meant, as friends.” Louis says and bows his head down, he feels embarrassed somehow.

Harry looks at him, like he can’t believe he just said that. They literally just kissed.

“Oh.” Harry stands up, cupping his jeans for his phone and his wallet. “Okay.” He breathes out. What the fuck did he just say? Louis looks at him so fast, he swears he hears his neck crack. “Really? Fuck.” Louis goes up to him and hugs him. His head in Harry’s neck, just the way it used to be. Harry tries his hardest to not kiss the top of Louis’ head, but if he does, nobody needs to know.

☾ ☾ ☾

Of course, it doesn’t work. Well, Louis pretends it does. Harry does too. They go out with the boys, pretend everything is okay. When Harry sees Louis with Mitch, he pretends he’s okay. Goes back to Zayn’s flat, which they’ve managed to clean out the spare room for him, and cries his eyes out.

If Louis sees him as merely a friend, then he won’t complain. He comforts himself by thinking he’d rather be Louis’ friend than a stranger. Harry knows he can’t have him, but he can’t help himself sometimes. Sometimes, he thinks this is a second chance to fall in love with Louis all over again, but he knows, whatever this is, it’s far from that.

Harry spends an awful lot of time at their old flat or Louis’ flat now. Right now, they’re in the balcony, it’s small and only has a small table with a filled ashtray and 2 chairs. Louis knows Harry hates it when he smokes, a fight they’ve gone over a million times until Louis really did quit. 

He lights a cigarette anyway, Harry rolls his eyes but keeps his mouth shut. “I know you’re rolling your eyes, Styles.” Louis laughs lightly, smoke coming out when he speaks. “I thought you quit a long time ago.” Harry scowls, he hates the smell. Louis hums in response, takes a long drag and flicks the cigarette. 

“I’ll wash the smell off of my hands so you won’t frown at me all night.” Louis winks and heads straight to the sink. “Change your shirt too, if you’re so kind.” Harry rubs his nose, he hates the smell on Louis. 

“Oh c’mon, don’t be so dramatic.” Louis rolls his eyes, “I’ll put on your fucking romantic comedies, now sit here with me.” He pats the space next to him. And Harry is just a man, who is he to say no to that?

Harry slowly moves closer to Louis, and he doesn’t know if it’s just him but he’s sure Louis presses to his side too. “You’re overthinking it.” Louis points out, he puts his head on Harry’s arm. “I might be.” Harry whispers, snaking his arm around Louis’ waist. It’s so familiar, it hurts.

Harry tries to focus on the movie, 13 going on 30, the scene where Jenna asks Matt if she can keep the dollhouse, he’s watched this a million times and Louis has always fallen asleep in the middle of the movie and whatnot. Harry feels Louis’ breath on his skin and he stills, of course Louis fell asleep, he stays there even when the credits roll, even after. 

Harry knows they’re not together, he knows they won’t be together, but he’s still stupid enough to want to be with Louis. It’s not his fault he’s only ever fallen in love once.

☾ ☾ ☾

They don’t talk about it, of course, weeks fly by and Harry is now struggling to keep his feelings intact. He can’t be with Louis and not fall in love with him all over again, especially when they’re always together with the boys. But Liam has recently talked to him about going out with this guy named Connor. He hates it, he feels like he’s cheating but agrees anyway. Harry parks his car near the place Liam told him to go to, it’s only 6:41 p.m. so he’s only fashionably late. Harry looks around the place and sees Connor already looking at him, Liam showed him a picture of him so he probably sent Connor one too. 

Louis goes to Zayn and Liam’s flat right after his shift, he’s bored out of his mind and the customers haven’t been so angelic to him. It’s not because Harry has been staying with them.

When he arrives, he expects to see the three of them there but it’s just Zayn and Liam cooking in the kitchen, well, Liam cooks while Zayn bothers him. “Hey Lou!” Zayn stands and gives him a loud smack on his cheek. Louis makes a disgusted look and heads toward Liam, looking at what he’s frying up. Louis hugs Liam so tightly right after, and says “Make me some too, thanks Li!” 

“Bloody hell, you’re both children. Get out, get out of the kitchen.” Liam shoos them.

Louis leaves with Zayn, laughing lightly. Looking around for a certain lad. “I can literally read your mind right now.” Zayn scoffs. “And to ease your mind, he’s not here, he’s on a date.” 

“A date? That did not ease my mind at all. Tell me the truth.” Louis looks at Zayn and he looks back with ‘what-makes-you-think-I’m-lying’ written on his face. “What the fuck, Zayn!” Louis drags his hands all over his hair, messing it up. “With who?!” 

“Lou, why are you getting so worked up?” Zayn says smugly, a smirk on his face. “Shut up.” Louis mutters, he has no idea why he’s friends with these idiots. “I fucking hate you both, you didn’t even tell me.” Louis says halfheartedly. 

“If we did, you’d invite Harry out just so he would miss his date.” Liam says, entering the room. “And you didn’t even ask for  _ my _ permission.” Louis rolls his eyes, Zayn laughs. “Why do we even need your permission, Lou? It’s not a fucking school trip.”

“Ugh, piss off! Let’s just call over Niall and play some fucking Fifa.” Louis grumbles, but calls Niall anyway. He’s fucking jealous, it’s written all over his face. Even Louis hasn’t gone out with Mitch ever since Harry came back. But he knows Liam is right, if they told him, Louis would’ve done everything for Harry to miss his date. Niall arrives a couple of minutes later. It’s all nice and good until Harry comes home with his said date. Louis stands so quickly to get a look of the guy, his hair is in a quiff (of course it fucking is), he’s a little smaller than Harry by an inch at most. 

Louis hears them whispering but can’t make out what they’re saying. He walks toward the door so fast that Zayn misses his wrist to stop him. “Hey lad, thanks for bringing our dear Harry over here, home.” Louis puts on the biggest fakest smile he can muster. The guy only spares him a glance and looks back at Harry, “Thanks Harry, I’ll call you, yeah?” He walks away and waves a hand to say goodbye.

Louis pulls Harry inside and shuts the door, “No, you fucking won’t.” Louis whispers angrily, and Harry looks so amused that he can’t even stay mad for long. Louis sees Zayn has taken his spot and is now playing Fifa with Niall, he can’t be too bothered though. “What’s got you all stingy?” Harry says, his dimples all out, clearly amused. “Piss off.” Louis says.

Harry chuckles, shaking his head. “If it makes you feel any better, we agreed to stay friends.” Harry winks at Louis and heads straight to the shower.

“Fucking tease.”


	5. We did that, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so short but aaa i hope u appreciate it still

If Louis is good at something, it’s hiding how he truly feels. So if he sees Harry text Connor back and forth whenever they’re together, he brushes it off. But now it’s getting the best of him because Harry bailed on him just because of this fucking guy.

But of course, he stands his ground. If Louis has put up the  _ I’m-not-jealous _ facade for so long, then he can keep it up for a little further. So, he smokes shirtless on his balcony, alone. He remembers the night he quit smoking, he threw his ashtray away but kept a pack of cigarettes within his dresser. Louis loved Harry so much that he never even dared to try smoking again. 

So, Louis decides it’s time to move on. In his mind, they’ve given it a try, it didn’t work and what matters is that they tried. He takes a burning shower, his skin goes pink, and cries over Harry because he can’t help it, he’s as vulnerable as he can be right now. 

A few days pass and Louis thinks it’s never been this hard to move on, he can’t wrap his mind around Harry going out with someone else but he keeps a straight face whenever he hears Harry’s phone ring. 

Whenever Louis goes out with the boys, Harry is there of course. He doesn’t complain, instead, he takes the seat farthest away from Harry, spares him a glance at most but that’s about it. It wasn’t his intention to avoid him, it was just easier this way.

“Okay Louis, stop.” Harry puts his shoe before Louis can close the door to his flat, he looks at Harry and gives in. He can fucking do this.

“Harry, I don’t think right now is the best time-” Louis tries, eyes still trained on the floor when he hears the door shut.

“When is the best time, then?” Louis really doesn’t want to do this right now. “We’ll talk some other time, okay? You should go.” Louis says quietly, already moving to open the door but Harry stops him.

And Louis, he’s only human. So he lets Harry drag him back. “Stop avoiding me.” Harry whispers, still holding Louis’ arm.

“What did you want me to do Harry? Watch you fall in love with another bloke while I struggled here alone?” Louis spits, he doesn’t want to fight right now, but if Harry insists, he won’t back down.

“I told you we decided to stay friends.” His voice softens, slowly letting go of Louis’ arm. “Friends? Friends who text each other every second of the fucking day? Give me a break.” Louis almost laughs, he knows better than this. “We did that, too.” If it wasn’t so silent, Louis wouldn’t even have heard it but he hears it loud and clear.

“Did what?”

“Text each other every second of the day.” Harry eyes him carefully, scared of saying the wrong thing.

“Exactly,” Louis rasps out. “Do you really think I enjoy seeing you do the same things we did with other people?” 

Louis looks up at Harry and he sees tears threatening to fall so he looks away so fast and grabs himself a glass of water, not this again.

“I thought we decided to be friends now,” Harry says somewhere from behind him, Louis sighs because he did say that. “I’m sorry Harry, okay? I can’t keep my word and I feel shit enough for avoiding you but I can’t fucking stand it.” 

“I’ll stop talking to him.” Harry says firmly, and Louis knows he’s not lying because he’s looking at Louis right in the eyes. “That’s not what I want.” 

“Then what do you want, Louis? I don’t want to lose you. Not again.” Harry says, his voice shaking. Louis knows Harry was never good at holding back tears. 

It takes everything in Louis to stop himself from saying ‘You should’ve thought about that before you got up and left.’ but he knows it’s a conversation he never wants to have. So instead, he says “Okay.”

Louis knows it’s selfish but if Harry says he doesn’t want to lose him, then he would have to prove it.

Harry nods and wraps his arms around Louis, he doesn’t hug back at first but he knows Harry won’t stop until Louis hugs him back so he does.


	6. We’re not together anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry this took so long (if anyone was waiting), i joined the blff and wanted to finish that as soon as possible (it’s at 8.8k words!) hope you’ll give that a read too hehe

Things weren’t really back to “normal”, Harry didn’t even know what  _ normal _ meant. Louis was in a pub just near Zayn and Liam’s apartment and Harry was worried shitless. Louis sounded drunk when Harry called him and he keeps trying to convince the boys to go with him but they won’t budge. Eventually, Zayn gets tired of his excuses and takes an agonisingly long time to fix his hair.

When they get there, it reeks of sweat and booze. Harry doesn’t even care because the moment they get in, he looks for a particular person. Louis, to be exact. “H, ‘m gonna go out for a smoke, alright?” Harry nods and gives him a small smile, Zayn just pats his shoulder and heads out.

He spots Louis almost instantly, sitting by the bar having a laugh with the bartender. Harry can tell he’s flirting because he speaks slower and a little more high pitched than usual. The bartender, of course, leans into him and whispers something in his ear which makes Louis laugh a little. 

Harry’s not having it. He makes his way to the bar, some people bump into him but he couldn’t care less. “Hey, love.” Harry holds Louis’ waist, making him look at Harry.

Louis stills but doesn’t remove Harry’s hands from his waist. “Harry,” Louis says in realisation. “I didn’t know you’d be here.” Harry spares the bartender a glance and he gets it, he moves to the other end of the bar. 

Louis looks back and sees that the bartender has gone elsewhere, he scowls. “Jesus fucking  _ Christ _ , Harry.” Louis stands and heads toward the exit, he pinches the bridge of his nose. He tries to count to ten but his mind is too occupied to get even past four.

The moment Louis is out, he brings out a cigarette and lights it as fast as he can. Harry stands a few feet away from him, annoyed at the smell of the smoke. Louis takes long drags of it, until he feels his lungs burn. “You know I was never fond of it when you flirted with other men.” Harry starts, not looking in Louis’ direction.

“And you do realize that was when we were still dating, right? Because look around, Harry! We’re not together anymore. I can flirt with whoever the fuck I want.” Louis grits, cigarette crushed between his fingers. “You’re confusing me,” Harry says shakily, Louis hasn’t been around him for  _ years _ yet he knows that voice, it’s the soft sound that cracks because he’s trying hard not to cry.

“What did you expect?” Louis demands, hands flailing around. “You can’t just expect to come back here and think that everything’s magically going to be okay.  _ You _ walked out on  _ me _ and everyone is just pretending like we’re supposed to make it work, it doesn’t work that way! It shouldn’t work that way!” He grabs his hair, frustrated.

“I’m sorry,” Harry chokes, he allows his tears to fall. His legs feel weak yet he’s too scared to even move. “I missed you,” He continues before Louis can speak. “I missed the boys, I missed London.” 

“I was miserable too, you know? I don’t know what I did, I just ran out and I wanted to come back, Lou.” Harry sniffs, wiping his face aggressively, Louis winces. “A week passed and I wanted to come back but I didn’t know what to say, I was scared that you wouldn’t be there or you weren’t going to take me back.” Harry’s cheeks are tear-streaked and his eyes are red, Louis looks away. 

“I was in love with you, Harry. You could’ve told me you wanted to live with Zayn for a while or your mum for a while and I would’ve given you all the time you needed, if you just  _ talked _ to me.” Louis says calmly, he’s trying not to explode and it’s not so hard when he’s done this for two years.

“I’m sorry, Louis.” Harry says, approaching Louis slowly.

Louis just hums in response.


	7. Let me breathe, baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updating cos i finally finished (still editing) my blff prompt and i think i finished it waaay too early

Harry eventually finds a job and finds a space in Zayn and Liam’s building. He’s back to living alone and finding for himself. The boys (except Louis?) throw him a housewarming party and even Connor comes but Louis is nowhere to be seen. Harry tries to enjoy the night as much as possible anyway.

It takes Louis weeks to break, Harry finds it unfair because he’s already crying his eyes out on the first day. Harry can’t take it anymore so he’s knocking on Louis’ door and hopes that what happened last time doesn’t happen again, but he knows what he wants is far from what’s going to happen.

Louis opens the door and his face is emotionless but it’s clear that he’s been drowning himself in other things just to avoid his pain. Louis sees Harry and immediately closes but Harry thrusts his arm through the space, “Wait!”

Louis accidentally closes the door on his arm, “You- Why would you do that?!” He opens the door and leaves it for him, he grabs an ice pack and gives it to Harry roughly. Harry hisses when the ice hits his arm, “I knew you would do that, I just thought I was fast enough to stop you.” Harry says, voice light. “Don’t be a bloody idiot, Harry.” Louis rolls his eyes, but he’s looking at Harry’s arm so intently it makes Harry smile a bit.

“I can’t believe you’re smiling about this, I knew you had a pain kink.” Louis smirks, it’s weak and meant to be said only for conversation but he doesn’t mind at all. “Oh shut up.” 

Minutes later, they’re drowned in silence and Harry’s arm is numb from the ice so he places it on the coffee table in front of him. “You can’t just come here every time we fight and pretend like nothing happened, you know.”

“Just… Can’t we just fix this?” Harry sighs, Louis opens his mouth to respond but Harry interrupts him, “I know it’ll take a while, it’ll take years maybe, but I don’t care. I didn’t know what was happening in my bloody head when I walked out on you. Things got too much and we didn’t do the same things anymore and it scared me, but Louis even after two years, I love you and nothing’s gonna change that, even time spent away from you didn’t.” Harry finishes, he takes a breath and looks over to Louis whose face is unreadable.

“I don’t know…” Louis rubs his palms on his face, hair messy, lips bitten raw. “I don’t know Harry, I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave me again, it’s just… I’m not happy but I’m not miserable either and I’d rather be in the middle than just let myself suffer through that again.”

“Okay… Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want this and,” Harry sucks in a breath, “I’ll stop.” Harry raises his hands up, “I’ll stop bothering you, I’ll just come to terms that I tried but a friend is all that you’ll ever see me as.”

Louis looks at him and Harry panics, he wasn’t expecting to hear a rejection. “Wait fuck,” Harry moves away, “No Harry, listen.” Louis follows, holding Harry’s arm checking possible bruising. Louis looks back at him, “Let’s give it time, yeah?” 

And, phew. That’s not a no.

Not a yes, either.

But the cup is half-full so Harry focuses on the fact that it’s not a no. Harry nods eagerly, pulling Louis slowly to him for a hug. He laughs and Harry relaxes, his arms around Louis’ waist, Harry puts his chin on Louis’ shoulder. “You take every chance to get your hands on me, don’t you?” 

_ “Let me breathe, baby.” Louis whispers to him, removing Harry’s hand from his inner thigh. Harry smiles at him cheekily, “What’s wrong, Lou?” _

_ Lottie snorts across the table, aware of the teasing between the two. It’s not the first time Harry’s gone home with Louis for the holidays but Harry has certainly grown more comfortable after Jay and Lottie have given him the “hurt-him-and-I-will-kill-you” talk.  _

_ “Would you at least save it until you’re back in London?” Lottie rolls her eyes, something that she surely got from her older brother. _

_ They head to Louis’ bedroom early that night, cuddling on his small creaky bed. Harry wraps his arms around Louis a little tighter, “The things I would do to you right now if your bed didn’t make our every move announced.” Harry wiggles and proves his point as the bed creaks. Louis laughs, “We’ll be back home tomorrow, love.” He says against Harry’s cheek and kisses him one too many times until he’s satisfied. _

Louis shakes the memory out of his head, he slowly retracts his arms around Harry’s torso and walks away to clean up the melting ice pack on the coffee table. “I got myself a new place.” Harry starts, watching Louis cleans up.

Louis hums, “I heard.” He walks past Harry and sits on his sofa, he pats the space beside him. Harry obliges, of course, and it’s not because he wants to be near Louis, not at all. 

“You, uh, heard about the housewarming, too?” Harry eyes Louis carefully, it’s not that he was required to go anyway. “I didn’t want to go there when we weren’t okay, I thought that was your way of saying I’m moving on and fending for myself, yay.” Louis explains flatly.

Harry makes himself comfortable, running his hands through his hair. “It’s more like, I’m here,” Harry looks at Louis, “and I plan to stay for good.” Louis looks away, shakes his head, and laughs lightly. “You’re doing it again.” Louis says, glancing at Harry but only for a second. Harry frowns, afraid he’s said the wrong thing, “Doing what, Lou?” 

“Making me fall in love.”


	8. There’s no music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry for taking so longggg, this is super short btw ); i’m working on the next few chapters anyway so hehe

Louis clears his throat, it’s not a good comeback but it’s something. He’s the one so settled on being friends, he doesn’t want to be the one to fuck it up. “Housewarming party.” Louis says suddenly, and  _ fuck,  _ he has to stop being so awkward. “How was it?” Louis fidgets with his hands. He was never this awkward, he has to get himself together for fuck’s sake.

Harry looks at him, confused but not pointing it out. “Um,” He adjusts himself on where he’s seated. “It was good.” He nods quietly, the words  _ making me fall in love  _ still in his head. Spare him for moving in with the first person he falls in love with. 

_ “I think I left my sweater there, Lou.” Harry says on the other side of the line, phone between his shoulder and his cheek as he cleans up the kitchen. Louis snorts, “All your clothes are here, baby. Of course you  _ left  _ it.” It wasn’t really a lie, Harry spends all his time with Louis anyway and everyone says it’s weird that they haven’t moved in with each other yet. Considering how domestic they are with each other. _

_ Harry laughs in response, getting ready on his own bed. “About to sleep now.” He says, ruffling his hair. He sits on the foot of his bed, waiting for Louis’ response. “I’ll see you tomorrow? Pancakes or Waffles?”  _

_ “Muffins.” Harry responds cheekily, it was their everyday routine for Louis to pick something up for breakfast. “Fine. Whatever baby wants, baby gets.”  _

_ Louis falls asleep on the line, Harry stays up searching for flats on the internet. _

Harry stays with Louis until he starts seeing Louis stifle a yawn, sometimes Harry forgets that he ever has to overwork himself, but he remembers that it’s because he left Louis. “Dance with me.” Harry stands suddenly, slight startling Louis. He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him but he was always a physical touch person and it’s killing him not being close  _ enough  _ with Louis.

Louis looks up at him like he’s crazy, “What?” Louis laughs, shaking his head. Harry sticks his hand out for Louis to take. “C’mon Lou,” Harry drags, “Give me this one time.” Louis looks at his extended hand, smiling a little but giving in anyway.

Harry pulls him close immediately, hands on Louis’ hips. “There’s no music,” Louis points out shakily. He missed Harry’s hands, he hates that it still affects him even in the smallest ways. Louis is quick to put his hands around Harry’s neck, inhaling his scent and burrowing his head in Harry’s neck. If they’re doing this, Louis’ gonna make sure he does it right.

“There doesn’t need to be.” Harry whispers in his ear, it sends down a shiver down Louis’ spine and he’s struggling to pretend like it doesn’t. Harry wraps his hands around Louis’ back, hooking his chin on Louis’ shoulder, swaying slowly.

This is enough for now.

Harry hums a song that he doesn’t recognize. Louis misses this, misses  _ them.  _ The way their hands fit together, Louis doesn’t want to be that person that breaks and falls in love with his ex but he can’t help himself, if there was one person that was in his mind when he imagined himself growing old, it’s this man; the one holding him so gently and swaying along the silence.

Louis loves him, he doesn’t remember a day he didn’t.


	9. Does this feel wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sorry i left for so long ,, i’ve had a decline in motivation recently and i’m trying to stack up on more chapters, forgive mee

They go to the beach.

Louis doesn’t know why he ends up agreeing but Harry looked like a puppy kicked on the curb when he immediately disagreed with the idea. So now he’s here, squished between Harry and Niall while Zayn drives and Liam takes shotgun.

“You can sleep,” Harry whispers, making himself sink lower on the seat so Louis can rest on his shoulder. It was always something they did before. If Louis gives him and ends up sleeping on Harry’s shoulder the whole ride, it’s not his fault. Harry simply offered and he didn’t say no. Niall looks at them, being all cuddly like before and rolls his eyes. 

It’s harder than it should be. It’s harder than it seems to be, how do you become  _ friends  _ with someone you used to think was your whole world?

Louis grabs his bag and debates whether he should bring Harry’s bag too. Niall bumps him, “It’s not going to carry itself, mate.” Harry swoops in and grabs his own bag, Louis sighs. Harry glances at him knowingly, “Give it.” Louis cocks his head sideward, “What?”

Harry rolls his eyes, he takes the bag from Louis’ shoulder and heads straight to the front desk.

Louis ignores the fact that this all seems too domestic, too  _ them _ , too boyfriend-y. He doesn’t say anything of course but Niall has noticed that he isn’t being his usual self anymore, laughing around and flipping people off so he tries to set it at the back of his mind.

They all head to the dinner buffet but Harry backs away, saying he needs to take a phone call first. But fuck it all, despite not being with Harry for years, he still knows when he’s lying and he’s lying right now.

Louis watches as Harry walks away near the shore, the sun nearly down. Louis knows Harry can hear him and if Harry ignores his footsteps, then maybe he wants to be followed. Harry stands where the waves can’t reach him, Louis stands beside him, looking far ahead, looking anywhere but at Harry.

“Does this feel wrong?” Harry starts, Louis looks at him quickly but he feels Harry’s hands on his waist, bringing him closer to his chest, spooning him. Louis trips a bit as Harry drags him closer, “I- uh,” Louis stutters, trying to figure out where to put his hands. 

“Don’t think, just be with me.” Harry whispers right at the shell of his ear, Louis shivers when Harry rests his chin right on his shoulder. 

Louis lets himself indulge in the fact that Harry’s arms are around him, like it used to be, like it’s where he belongs but pulls away eventually. Harry looks at him, looking hazed and drunk on the feeling. Harry opens his mouth and Louis knows that look, he knows it too well.

Louis steps back, the waves catching his ankles, looking scared. “Don’t say it.” Louis puts his hands on Harry’s chest. “Don’t say you love me,” His eyes tearing up, he wipes them aggressively. “Lou, it doesn’t have to be this way-”

“I might not say it back, I don’t know if I can say it back.” Louis rushes out and leaves.

Harry stays on the shoreline, he doesn’t try chasing Louis. It’s the first time that Louis leaves Harry, but it’s not Harry’s first time letting Louis break.

He knows he has to do better than that.


	10. You have to believe me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi...... KSJDF i have an a/b/o fic coming out in a few weeks (for the bl fic fest!) hehe look forward to that. anyway here's a chapter!! uni has been killing me but i promise i'm more free this semester so i can update more

So maybe being friends is harder than it seems. It’s hard to constantly pretend like they’re not dying to just kiss and make up especially when it’s all Harry can fucking think about. Eventually, they will fall into a routine of avoiding the jokes, the flirtation that happens so naturally. But not today.

When Harry comes back to their hotel room, it’s just Louis wrapped around a blanket, eyes swollen with a runny nose watching the telly on his own.

Harry sits beside him carefully, when Louis doesn’t even glance at him, he takes it as a yes and gives him the tea he’s been holding. It’s not hot enough but not cold either. Louis looks at the tea, knowing Harry can give him it exactly the way he wants even with his eyes closed. He takes off the blanket slightly and holds it, if his fingers brush along Harry’s, he doesn’t say it.

Harry coughs, the silence ringing his ears too loud even with the telly in the background. Louis holds it in his hands and stares at it for a good two minutes. “I know you, ehm, like drinking tea… when you’re mad because it helps you think.” Harry says, voice barely above a whisper. Louis drops the tea on the bedside table and grabs Harry’s hands just to put it around his neck. 

“I don’t know how to be me without you.” Louis says, so sincerely looking into Harry’s eyes as if his life depended on it. He grabs the back of Harry’s head and kisses him. Harry is quick to move and kisses back just as much. Harry pushes Louis’ back on the bed and takes control, he breaks the kiss just to look at Louis’ face, his eyes still closed. “I don’t wanna look at you.” Louis says and brings his hands up to Harry’s face as if memorising the parts of his face like he hasn’t already.

Harry laughs quietly, “Why?” Louis shrugs, “This might not be real.” Harry lies on his side, pulling Louis near him. He kisses Louis’ jaw, his cheeks, eyelashes, nose, anywhere he can reach. Louis opens his eyes slowly, looking at Harry’s swollen lips, he runs his thumb on it, knowing that he did it. “I love you.” Harry whispers. 

Louis’ breath hitches. Before he can even turn away, Harry holds him in place. “You don’t have to say it, but I just want you to know-”

“I love you so much,” Louis interrupts him. “I never stopped.” He sits up, the blanket falling off his shoulders, Harry sits up too just because.

“You should know that because why would I stop loving you, Harry? It’s always been you and me, we  _ know  _ that.  _ Everyone  _ knows that. Do you realize how hard it was to tell everyone you just got up and left when everyone thought we were the  _ perfect  _ couple?” Louis exasperates, his frustration building up. Harry holds him, keeping him from breaking. As he always has.

“I don’t know why I did that,” Harry confesses, his arms around Louis still. “I don’t know what came over me but I’m so fucking sorry, Lou. You have to believe me.” 

“You’re crazy if you think I won’t believe everything you say because you drive me insane, you know.” Harry smiles, he knows.

“I know.” He grabs Louis’ face and kisses him again. Just because he can.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for taking the time to read the shit i write. means a lot
> 
> [my tumblr](https://tired-eyes-lou.tumblr.com/)


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